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Every so often, I get sent jokes or funny stories with a railway
theme, so I thought I'd share some of them with you... Railroad
Marriage Vows
(you have to appreciate something of American railroad
practices to fully appreciate this one)
Dearly Beloved:
We are gathered here today in accordance with regulations of
FRA, AAR, STB and other regulatory bodies to unite these two
units in M.U. service. If anyone takes exception, file your
grievance or get in the clear.
(Groom's name), Do you take this woman to be your trailing
unit, tying down your pin lifter forever, and permanently
restricting yourself from interchange service, even with newer,
freshly-painted units, remaining coupled despite flat wheels,
sticking brakes, even unto bad orders and major derailments,
until you are both rendered unto scrap?
If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by GCOR
Rule 5.8.2, example 4.
And, (Groom's name), do you promise to pull with this unit up
ruling grades, using throttle and air wisely to prevent rough
train handling, broken knuckles, and pulled drawbars, applying
sand as necessary to prevent wheel slip, so that you both crest
the hill together, regardless of the rail conditions and
trailing tonnage?
If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by GCOR
Rule 5.8.2, example 4.
And do you also promise not to cut away from your trailing
unit, even when her side sheets have rusted through, and her
paint job has faded?
If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by GCOR
Rule 5.8.2, example 4.
Now, (Bride's name), do you take this man to be your lead
unit, tying down your pin-lifter forever, and permanently
removing yourself from interchange service, even with newer
series, high-adhesion, high-horsepower units, remaining coupled
despite flat wheels, sticking brakes, even unto bad orders and
major derailments, until you are both rendered unto scrap?
If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by GCOR
Rule 5.8.2, example 4.
And do you promise to respond promptly to throttle and brake
commands from your lead unit, handling your share of the
tonnage, and helping your lead unit up ruling grades when
necessary, being ever cautious to avoid unnecessary drawbar
buff?
If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by GCOR
Rule 5.8.2, example 4.
Do you also promise to remain coupled to your lead unit, even
when he has a couple of traction motors cut out, and can no
longer develop full horsepower?
If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by GCOR
Rule 5.8.2, example 4.
Now, (Bride and Groom), as a token of your intent to M.U.,
make the joint and stretch the slack.
By the power vested in me by the Division Superintendent and
the Road Foreman of Engines, I now pronounce you permanently
coupled.
You may now cut in the air.
(GCOR - General Code of Operating Rules)
Funny Announcements heard on the London Underground
"Please mind the closing doors..." (The doors close...The
doors reopen.) "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey
things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try
it again. Please stand clear of the doors." (The doors close...)
"Thank you."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we
probably won't reach our destination."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no
smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you
are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the
rest of the carriage!"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at
the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move
your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down
there and shove them up your #### sideways"
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors
means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this
with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and
separate instructions."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please
give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll
want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite
direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as
I'm given any."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there
is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds
off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten
green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they
don't think about things like that".
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way
for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are
not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go
on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
going home...."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on
the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors'
don't you understand?"
On a train out of Heathrow... "Hello this is xxx speaking; I
am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly.
We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet,
and our scheduled arrival time in Cockfosters is 3:15pm. The
temperature in Cockfosters is approximately 15 degrees Celsius,
and Cockfosters is in the same time zone as Heathrow, so there's
no need to adjust your watches. I wish you a pleasant journey."
RailTrack Announces National Lottery Bid
Railway operator RailTrack has today announced a surprise
late bid to run the national lottery.
"We've been running a lottery on the rail network for years",
said Ronnie Corbett, RailTrack's Chief Executive, "so this is a
natural progression".
Under the proposals, a player will buy a "season ticket" to
make five return journeys a week at peak times.
"You nominate timetabled trains for each day, and if all ten
come in on time and in one piece you win the jackpot", he said,
"a reserved seat in first class for the rest of your life, or a
year, whichever is shorter".
Corbett confirmed that RailTrack were going to be giving over
a significant amount of money to good causes:
".. things like leaves on the line, floods and vandalism -
These are good causes that we can blame on other people, as
opposed to bad causes like dodgy track or faulty signaling,
which we're in danger of being held responsible for ourselves".
RailTrack is the main player in the Crashalot consortium
formed for the franchise bid. Other backers include a US
software giant who promise to put in new machines that make
buying a ticket a lottery in itself.
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He
said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean
Martin".
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the
first time to attend a conference. There was a large party
thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party,
they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while
the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the 1st guy
reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other
emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I
don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train
set that guy has in his basement!"
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops... On my desk I have a work station...
Why is the track gauge 4' 8½" wide? Answer: Because it is
the mean distance between the neck and ankles of damsels in
distress.
Dog on the seat
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to
a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being
used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I
need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American,
sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of
people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest,
but after another trip down to the end of the train, found
himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?" I'm very
tired.
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You
Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked
up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down
in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone
defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for
doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong
hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And
now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
QUESTION: What do model railways and women's breasts have in common?
ANSWER: Both were intended for kids, but it's the dads who
play with them.
Before we start,
apologies to the Irish men reading this. if you are Irish, just
transpose your chosen nationality.
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking
through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a
hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until
he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo!
Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and
ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining
Indian what it was all about, 'Was the
other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian
replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men
see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means
there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also
tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone
for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he
was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size
of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his
might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the
others, he then heard an answering call,
'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With
a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local
newspaper read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Why the Pullman Company failed
A traveler informed a Pullman agent that he wanted a Pullman
berth. "Upper or lower?" asked the agent. "What's the
difference?" the customer asked.
"A difference of two dollars" replied the agent. "The lower
is higher than the upper. The higher price is for the lower. If
you want the lower, you'll have to go higher. We sell the upper
lower than the lower. In other words, the higher the lower. Most
people don't like the upper although it is lower on account of
being higher. When you occupy an upper you have to get up to go
to bed and get down to get up. You can have the lower if you pay
higher. The upper is lower than the lower because it is higher.
If you are willing to go higher, it will be lower."
At this point, the customer walked away and took a cab to the
airport.
Two hikers were walking through Central Pennsylvania when
they came upon a six foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it
must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old
abandoned coal mine.
Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked
up a near-by rock and tossed it into the opening. They
listened...and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even
larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened...and
still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad
tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down.
Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and
jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just
looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do
such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either
man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the
dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My
dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
Man: "Well, I can see that there must be a train around here
somewhere." Wife: "What makes you say that, dear?" Man: "Because
it left its tracks behind!"
PULLMAN PORTER to Passenger: "Shall I brush you off, sir?"
PASSENGER: "No, thank you ..... I'd prefer to get off the train
in the USUAL manner!"
An elderly lady walked into a Toronto ticket office and asked
for a ticket to New York. "Do you want to go by Buffalo?"
inquired the ticket agent. "Certainly not!" she answered
indignantly, "I want to go by TRAIN!"
Through the centre of Czechoslovakia, there's a train
speeding along. In one compartment of the train, there are four
people beautiful vivacious young women, an old matronly woman, a
Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely
dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding
the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his
face off.
The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young
woman; the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel
and the lady slaps him one!" The young woman is thinking: "Now
that's a strange Russian soldier. He'd rather kiss that old hag
than me." The Russian soldier is thinking: "Now that's a smart
Czech. He steals the kiss and I get slapped." And the Czech
dissident is thinking: "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel,
I kiss the back of my hand, and get away with slapping a Russian
soldier."
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly.
Finally it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a
conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out
the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten
minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five
minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same
conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells,
"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
On a slow train a young woman passenger said to the
conductor, "See here, Conductor, aren't we ever going to reach
Chicago? You can see I'm far gone in pregnancy. Well, if we
don't get to Chicago soon, you'll have to help deliver the
baby." The Conductor stared at her in horror. "But madam, you
shouldn't have got on the train in this condition." And the
woman replied, "I didn't."
IRATE TRAVELER: "What's the use of you having a time table
if your rotten trains never stick to it?!" CONDUCTOR: "Well,
sir... how would you even KNOW they were running late if it
weren't for the timetable?"
"How much is the fare to Bishop's Castle for one adult and
one bicycle?" "Two shillings for you. The bike goes free." "OK
take the bike - I'll walk..."
A stationman on the Underground noticed a man looking worried
at the top of the escalator. Twenty minutes later he was still
there. "What's the problem?" "It says there, 'Dogs must be
carried', and I can't find one".
Ticket Clerk... "... and a pound for the dog." Passenger...
"It's only a small dog." Ticket Clerk... "It's only a small
ticket."
Visitor: I say, my good man, why did they build this station
so far from the town? Local: "I guess they wanted it near the
railway."
Passenger - "How long will the next train be, will it run on
time?" Clerk - "Same as usual, sir; three carriages and it will
run on rails!"
Platform announcement:
"We apologise for the 10 minute delay to all trains today.
Tomorrow, they will be back to normal - running 20 minutes
late."
An Engineer, A Trainmaster and A Roadmaster...
An Engineer is said to be a man who knows a great deal about
very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less
and less until finally he knows practically everything about
nothing.
A Trainmaster on the other hand, is a man who knows very
little about a great deal and keeps knowing less and less about
more and more until he knows practically nothing about
everything.
A Roadmaster is a man who begins knowing practically
everything about everything, but ends up knowing nothing about
anything, due to his association with engineers and
trainmasters.
Shopping Tips for Railway Modellers??? or how to get more
trains when your spouse says, "You have too many!"
There are better ways to deal with it rather than hiding it
from your significant other. Most of our significant others are
happy that their railway modeler is enjoying himself at home
rather than going out. But if you feel the need, you could
always try these lines. You give her a big hug and say, "Honey,
you're right. I'm going to give up trains as a hobby. Instead,
I'm going to".....
- 'Get a new hobby down at the bar around the corner. I'm going
to work on becoming a serious drunk.'
- 'Join a presidential
campaign and spend my nights phoning people and arguing
politics. If we're lucky, we can throw parties for candidates
right here in the house!'
- 'Spend my nights working out at the
gym down the street. I've met the instructor and she's real
cute.'
- 'Spend time getting seriously involved with people. Are
any of your friends available?'
- 'Get a hound dog and go out
nights coon hunting. Also I'll need a really beat-up pickup
truck.'
- 'Take up indoor gardening. I'll start by growing pot in
the basement.'
- 'Get a motorcycle. Gee, you'll look great in
leather!'
- Start a religion, for fun and profit. Here are your
beads. Now bow down and worship me.'
Hopefully, when your spouse realises all the OTHER things
that you could be doing (many of which would make the two of you
eligible to be guests on the 'Jerry Springer Show'), they'll be
glad that you're 'just playing with toy trains'.
Top 10 Reasons, Railfanning is better than Moose Hunting
10. Train lovers don't get mad at you for shooting "Thomas
The Tank Engine."
9. You can't use a scanner to tell when elk
are getting close.
8. No arguments when two people shoot the
same train at the same time.
7. No boring Moose Hunting stories.
6. Nobody cares if you use a railroad crossing sign to "sight
in" your camera.
5. Three words: "Hunting License Fee".
4. RC's
don't need to be field dressed.
3. Working models of elk? Yeah,
right.
2. There's no limit on how many trains you're allowed to
shoot.
1. Unless they're really dumb, your buddies won't mistake
you for a diesel.
OTHERS.
A warm car beats a tree stand any day.
Trains can be shot all
year long.
No taxidermist fee needs to be paid when "mounting"
your best trophy shot.
Wife wouldn't object too much to having
your "trophy shot" hung over the dining room table.
Filet of T43
just doesn't sound too appetising
Railway correspondence
Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two
years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse
every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a
14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than
that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter
Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the
shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat
confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000
years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad
Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you
are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer
to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that
Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I
have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly, A Commuter
Railroad Safety
A brunette was jumping across a railroad track saying
"21...21...21 " a blonde sees her and says, "that looks like
fun!" So she decides to join in, she starts jumping back and
forth singing "21..21..21 " A train comes along and the brunette
jumps off the track just as the blonde was getting splattered by
the train... The brunette jumps back on the track and starts
saying "22..22..22.."
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes
the Midwest to visit a friend who lives near a commuter line.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on and he became
fascinated by the engineering.
While examining rails while standing in the middle of the
railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da
Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the
tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to
receive only a few minor internal injuries, some broken bones,
and a mess of bruises.
After several weeks in the hospital recovering, he returns to
his friend's house and attends a party one evening. While in the
kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a
baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and
bash the tea kettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal. His
friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's
happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea
kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things
when they're small."
A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time
the train stops at Victoria. "Sir, we don't stop at Victoria,"
the collector said. "But I have to get off there!" he insisted.
"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get
the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle
you out the door and lower you onto the platform." "Will that
work?" "It's worth a try." As they approached the platform, the
train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in
mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run
faster! faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the
platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's
running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The
other passengers stare in amazement. As the last car goes by, a
hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right
back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent
who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help!
This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"
"Now, then," said the superintendent to the peddler’s rear
brakeman, "were you flagging your train that night?" "Yes, sir,"
he said. "And were you at least a half-mile from your train?"
asked the super. "Yes, sir," said the brakie. "And did you
attempt to flag the express down?" asked the super. "Yes, sir,
and they went right on past me," the brakie said. "And did you
use a red lantern?" the super asked. "Yes, sir," the man said.
"Of course." Well, the railroad couldn’t decide who was at
fault, so the investigation was closed. "You did just what I
asked you to," said the conductor of the local freight to the
rear brakeman after the hearing. "You told the truth. But were
you nervous at all?" "You bet!" replied the brakeman. "I was
hoping that guy wouldn’t ask me if the lantern was lit!"
Speed
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He
appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?"
"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had
gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half
power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and
the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should
inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made
the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news and some
bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we
are stuck here for some time."
"The really good news is that this not United Airlines!"
A famous person was traveling on a train, and was subject to
the usual ticket inspection.
Well, he didn't have a ticket; and made no reservation in
telling the burly inspector that his face was his ticket!
"That's OK," replied the inspector, rolling back his
sleeve...
"I've been given instructions to punch all tickets!"
A Surd was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. He kept
getting off at every station to buy a ticket to the next
station.
When the train reached Bombay, the Surd's co-passengers asked
him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for
the entire journey?
The Surd replied that his doctor had advised him against
taking long journeys!
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local
railway, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What
would you do if you realized that two trains were heading
towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch
one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down
to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use
the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues,
"I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the
station".
"What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in
that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do
that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash!"
There's also a great page of miniature-railway humour on the
Discover Live Steam website.
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